Everything I need to know I learned from my dog

If that were true here's what I would know:

1. An animal that weighs 15 pounds requires 3/4 of a queen sized bed.
2. You don't really have to BE vicious to get others to do what you want, you just have to APPEAR vicious.
3. Hunger strikes work...if you wait long enough, someone will feel sorry for you and give you a Dingo.
4. Brownies might be tasty, but there will be consequences.
5. Leader of the pack is the only place to be.

Abby and I actually have a lot in common. For example, we don't enjoy small children. We don't like people thinking that they know things about us just by looking. We like to be in charge. And, we both enjoy brownies.

So you would think that since we have so much in common, I would want to hang out with Abby all the time. And I do. But here's the thing -- sometimes she makes me crazy. And sometimes I don't want to take her outside. Sometimes I want to lie down and watch movies all day or go out after work. So I get all this pet guilt because I can't take care of the dog well enough. And she pees on the floor and I can't yell at her because it's really my own fault.

This has not ever really been a big issue for me before. Since I've had Abby, I've either lived with roommates or with guys. So I've never REALLY had to take care of her all by myself; if I wanted to go out after work I would just ask my roommate to let her outside. Or I'd just leave her outside all day because she loves the out of doors and she's always had a yard to play in. So now I'm thinking...am I even fit to take care of this animal? Am I just being selfish? Or is she just a dog and I should calm the fuck down about it?

This is why I can never birth anything...I can't properly care for a dog and I get all torn up inside about it; imagine what would happen if I, god forbid, procreated and was faced with the guilt of having a child! How do people get through their lives with the enormity of this guilt?!?!

Here's my conclusion for now: yes, I am being selfish. Yes, she is just a dog and I should calm the fuck down. Mostly, yes my next residence will have a yard and a goddamn doggie door.